| HOME? |
[Thu, Jul 12th, 2007 at 9:23pm
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 (I took the two pics while waiting to be picked up at the San Diego airport. I loved the contrast between the little girls innocense of holding her dolly and her "hip" outfit....and then I got sad for some reason. or maybe sentimental is the right word...anyways this was waiting right outside of baggage claim for my ride) Every person has the power to make others happy. Some do it simply by entering a room – others by leaving the room. Some individuals leave trails of gloom; others, trails of joy. Some leave trails of hate and bitterness; others, trails of love and harmony. Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism; others trails of faith and optimism. Some leave trails of criticism and resignation; others trails of gratitude and hope. What kind of trails do you leave?” William Arthur Ward
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[Tue, Jun 5th, 2007 at 10:08am
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It really pisses me off when I write a long entry complete with pictures and I can't get it to post. Now I don't have time as Ash wants Toast and Andrew wants a bottle....rawr
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[Tue, Jun 5th, 2007 at 8:54am
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Test
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[Mon, Jan 2nd, 2006 at 5:05am
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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silence |
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I have been debating for weeks as to wehther I should post this picture or not...I don't want it to be seen in the wrong way as some vain attempt or as someone who is completely obsessed with herself. Yes I can be both. But this picture is not about that. When I think about my relationship with Scott and the fact that he is STILL here STILL with me despite all of my flaws and mistakes...I am overcome with motivation to be a better person. Since the beginning of our relationship I have ALWAYS had a problem with him touching my stomach. Some of this comes from a traumatic event but more of it stems from my insecurity about the way that I look. I have ALWAYS hated my stomach and sometimes refused to even let him see it. I know it's etremely frustrating to him when he wants to be intimate and he has to keep his hands away from that area. But I have begun to look at my stomach as more than a body part, more than something I despise and hate. I carried a life inside my stomach, i sustained that life and my body allowed me to do so. When I look at my tattoo and it's meaning I am starting to believe that maybe my stomach is something beautiful, not for what it looks like but for what it's gone through.....so for Christmas I took a pic of my tummy and blew it up poster size and gave it to Scott. Around the pic are lyrics from an Alanis Morissette song. They read:
You see everything, You see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark.
I pust the lyric to the enitre song on the back of the frame. I also love the following lines:
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There is not anything to which you can't relate
and your still here.
So here it is....please do not click if you feel it may trigger you. (although I don't know how MY stomach would)
( you see everything )
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| round and round |
[Mon, Sep 12th, 2005 at 1:25pm
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calm |
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music |
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Joni Mitchell -circle game |
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Yesterday we took Ashlynn on her first Carasol ride. IT was so much fun! She loved it so much. SHe was squealing and just in awe of the lights and how many things she could see. I made a slide show of it. If you want to watch it just go here...you may have to copy and paste in your browser.
http://www.photoshow.net/watch/jE3uD6SE
I was happy to go because I ate a really good lunch and wanted to purge so bad but this distracted me and I was really proud of myself! : )
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| I HATE THIS |
[Mon, May 30th, 2005 at 6:52am
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I am not going to lie. I am not doing well, ed wise. I went to therapist for the first time on my own since being forced to see someone when I was 18. I am loosing fast and I can't seem to make myself eat at the moment. I am scared. I don't want to fall back into this again but at the moment it feels like there is no way out. I can't get my brain to function right and think rationally. UGH...I am so sick to my stomach. I have another apt WED and then I am going to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist for meds on June 7th. I have to just try to hang on and believe what my therapist is telling me. That I can do this. That I have to take a leap of faith. That I am starving my brain and so I am not thinking clearly. Sorry for the downer. Not sure if anyone even noticed I was gone...but I do know RUNR was asking me to post. I'll try to put some pics up of Ashlynn soon, right now they make me cry because she doesn't deserve such a crappy ass mom.
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| SICK! |
[Thu, May 5th, 2005 at 2:54pm
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This is the story i have to cover today at work...I think becoming a mom has made my heart even more tender. I think these parents should rot in hell. GOD the little girl was so cute....my heart is so heavy.
roadcasters: Sub the following for AP-MO--No-call Fine, which
moved as v6721 at 1:29 p.m. This version ADDS member credit)
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Gruesome details about how a little girl
was slain in Kansas City four years ago are emerging with word
today that the child's mother is charged with murder.
Michelle Johnson of Muskogee, Oklahoma, is charged with
second-degree murder in the death of the girl now identified as
Erica Michelle Maria Green. Since her body was found she had been
known as "Precious Doe."
Police say the girl's stepfather actually killed her by kicking
her in the head. The couple allowed the child to lay motionless for
two days, failing to seek treatment for her because of warrants out
for their arrest.
The mother said her husband used hedge clippers to cut the
girl's head from her body. The body was found near an intersection
and days later, the girl's head was found nearby.
The Johnson woman and Erica's stepfather are being held in
Oklahoma.
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| Tori's new stuff |
[Mon, Jan 17th, 2005 at 7:07am
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 indescribable |
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I love this idea....i can't wait for the album. *Goes to pre order.*
"I saw a painting by Seurat - Seated Woman With A Parasol - in a book on
Impressionism. I was drawn to it and I started to think about Victorian women and then some women today, the type of women who don't want to intimidate their partner and so allow themselves to become reduced so the other person can feel confident." [Tori Amos: Piece by Piece]
Parasol
when I come to terms to terms with this
when I come to terms with this
when I come to terms to terms with this
my world will change for me
I haven't moved since the call came
since the call came I haven't moved
I stare at the wall knowing on the other side
the storm that waits for me
the Seated Woman with the Parasol
may be the only one you can't Betray
if I'm the Seated Woman with the Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
I have no need for a sea view
for a sea view I have no need
I have my little pleasures
this wall being one of these
and the Seated Woman with the Parasol
may be the only one you can't Betray
if I'm the Seated Woman with the Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
when I come to terms to terms with this
when I come to terms with this
when I come to terms with this whip lash
of Silk on wool embroidery
and the Seated Woman with the Parasol
may be the only one you can't betray
if I'm the Seated Woman with the Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
and the Seated Woman with the Parasol
may be the only one you can't betray
if I'm the Seated Woman with the Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
I will be safe in my frame
in your House
in your frame
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[Sat, Dec 18th, 2004 at 7:46am
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mood |
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( my addiction )
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| help... |
[Thu, Dec 9th, 2004 at 12:28pm
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can someone show me the code to make a ling to posting a pic on here. The one with the little box and a flower on it that you hit and then it shows the pic. I know I am taking up a lot of your room by posting my pics directly into an entry...thanks!
j~
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[Wed, Dec 8th, 2004 at 9:22am
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You Are a Liberal Republican |
When you tell people that you're Republican, they rarely believe you.
That's because you're socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights.
You're also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians.
You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes.
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| I am sick |
[Fri, Nov 19th, 2004 at 2:20pm
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mood |
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I am sick of surface talk
scrape enough just off the top
politely smile, walk the walk
bubbles fizzing ready to pop
I am sick of surface talk
everyone is "fine" but caught
Inside a net confine the pain
hold it in till your insane
I am sick of surface talk
smiles formed by sidewalk chalk
worn away by feet and rain
better gone before it stains...
illusions in the suface games
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| life sucks |
[Fri, Nov 5th, 2004 at 11:57am
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mood |
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indescribable |
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These are the things that stress me out:
I can’t ever get anything done housewise because Ashlynn demands constant care. No just normal baby holding. If I want her to get a decent nap so that she is not going to cry for hours in the evening I have to hold her the entire nap. My house is a mess. I hate living in it and looking at it and knowing that the huge amount of dust lining the coffee table probably contributes to her allergies and all the sneezing.
I don’t have any time to myself unless I get up at 5 am. I am overtired, overstressed, not eating well and trying to keep everything together not for me but for everyone else around me so that they won’t be angry with me or think I am a bad mother.
I want to eat healthy. But I can’t even get a minute to prepare a healthy meal. Instead I am just shoving peanutbutter or candy in my mouth which can’t be healthy for me or Ashlynn. I want to continue breastfeeding.
We are suppose to be throwing her baptism. This means a party afterward. I guess it is just assumed that I am responsible for this. I have had no time to think about food or a menu or anything like that. It upsets me that it’s just assumed I will somehow get this all done. A baptism is special. Ashlynn’s should be special and we should be throwing a very nice get together. I never even got invitations to her baptism out. I never got a break to do it. I am lucky to get a load of laundry finished.
I don’t feel I have support. I feel strain from my mom who tells me she is stretched to the limit and can’t get her things done. She tells me that family member should help us and bring food. I don’t feel they should because we are the hosts. I feel like any decision I make contrary to what my mom thinks makes me wrong or a bad person. I feel strain from my husband who works too much and is tired and has little left to give once the day is done.
I have reached the end of my rope. I am going to snap soon. I hate the way my life is right now; I am not happy. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to express this and not make make the people I Love mad. I don’t know where to go, what to do or how to resolve these feeling but I am going to explode soon.
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| Poetry... |
[Sat, Jul 10th, 2004 at 7:08am
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Haven't written many poems since getting pregnant and its frustrated me. They usually just pop in my head and stay there until i have to write them down to think about anything else. But this one came to me and I have no clue why. I haven't been in a bar in over nine months.
You say there’s no need to feel lonely—if only you would step away from the mirror.
I walk away from my make-believe contraption and cautiously enter you world of distraction—inside a bar at 9th and Mass.
We drink down the silence in unspoken alliance-watching strangers pretend to be friends
Beneath the clouds of smoky haze our eyes burn on glassy and glazed afraid to look at one another.
We are searching for a compromise somewhere between sober truth and drunken lies both of us plastered in smiles.
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| on step at a time |
[Mon, Jun 14th, 2004 at 11:22am
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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tombigbee by Tori in the background |
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Stepping from one realm and into another
Life as fleeting as a blade of grass
Waiting for a shift in the weather
Praying for this season to now pass
Moving from past and into present
Boldy walking through the hesitant
Taking the time to mediate it through
Focusing my eyes only on you. ~JL
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I am eating much more now. Sort of like I just shifted my mind and once I started eating more I got hungry. THe baby is kicking and moving a lot more too so I know she's ok and happy in there. I am watching the new Tori DVD welcome to sunny florida and waiting for the stupid plumber to get his ass here. We have two leaks! Then i have to go buy a crib mattress and hopefully make it to the pool for one last dip before Scott's parents get here on Wednesday. After that I can pretty much say good bye to any free time until the baby comes. They will be here for 10 days and then I fly to Oregon for Scott's Grandpa's burial then July is full of birth classes, breast feeding classes, baby basics 101 and another baby shower. Then it's going to be almost August! YAY!
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golddustme's journal
lonely
anxious
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